Tow Yo! - South Beach Tow

I never understood why this monstrosity exists until I was watching Men In Black II last night. It was used as a two-and-a-half minute filler on several occasions. TruTV, in my opinion, has far more commercials than any other channel on cable. It's like three minutes of commercials for every three minutes-and-a-half minutes of show with very limited actual content. Constant replays, slow motion segments, reputation of teasers, slow motion of slow motion segments... If you edit all them out most shows on TruTV wouldn't be more than 7 to 10 minutes long.

Speaking of content, or the lack there of....
This video pretty much has everything you would expect from a locally produced rap video: Cheesy canned beat, annoying hook that unfortunately rhymes with YOLO, twerking women and plenty guys to gawk, the blatant display of cash and jewelry (SWAG), supercar, auto-tuned female vocal break and a rap about how blank is better at blank than everyone else, so don't you be hatin'. Even though he's not singing or rapping, just appearing in the video, it is noted featuring NFL player Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson. Not really sure how or why and I choose to ignore it from this point on.

Chinese Food - Alison Gold

As a general rule songs don't really need to serve any purpose; they don't need a profound message to be artistic. That being said, Patrice Wilson is about as artistic as a cardboard box. He's like a drunk who's hit rock bottom and made a moist ditch his home. Either that or he's actively trying to make a song worse than Friday.

Got to admire his entrepreneurial spirit though. Spend five minutes to write a shitty A.B.C. song, record a spoiled pre-teen singing it (with a nice thick layer of auto-tune of course) and shoot an equally inane video. Make thousands off their rich parents, then make even more from google adsense when it goes viral for how stupid it is. He's like an evil genius of pop music.

Mass Text - Tay Allyn

People are debating whether or not this song is some kind of jab at current pop-music, a joke of some sort, a parody of itself or simply just a really bad pop song. The description reads, "Tay has created a new breed of Pop that's like Ke$ha without the sex, and Gaga without the avant garde- what are you left with? Pop songs about the mundane issues you face in everyday life. It's sassy, fun, and RELATABLE." In that description they forgot intellectually insulting and ungodly repetitive. That happens when a song is void of any content. It even ends with the awkward, cheesy pre-teen movie kiss. All nonsense that's ripe for parody while at the same time sells like gangbusters.

And that's exactly my point: it doesn't really matter. The very fact people aren't sure is a real indictment of contemporary pop.<--break-> Just a few years ago people who listened to horrible music excused it by saying, "It got a good beat". That excuse doesn't work anymore. These days, people use the word "catchy". No matter what people like to to be diplomatic and optimistic. Whatever. Why not also say this pig of a song has a "wonderful personality"?

In Canada - BJ Snowden

Canada is great so I understand her patriotism and they have a lot going for them. Some of the world's best comedians came from Canada. Plus Kids in the Hall, Trailer Park Boys....can't hardly get better than that. I even come to understand they brew a good beer.

Music however, I can't help but to think up there, at least back in the 80's, this was considered good. I mean, Helix, Alanis Morissette, Céline Dion, Justin Bieber, freakin' Nickelback.... Outside of Rush, I can't think of a good Canadian band. There's nearly 34.5 million people in Canada so surely they had to produce something worth listening to. I would love to hear some suggestions.

It's Too Big! - Jonah Falcon & Adam Barta

He may have a 13.5 inch penis but the dude sure is goofy looking. Guys known for their junk always tend to be goofy looking. Weard....nonetheless, there are far more honorable things to be known for but who among us would mind being known as the guy with the world's largest penis? And of course it's easy to find a photo of him in spandex; just like a woman with large breasts, he has to show off what God gave 'em.

I see only three downsides: 1. discomfort and possible back problems 2. it'll limit the women one would be capable to have sex with (At some point, skin rips.) and 3. obviously such a large penis requires a horrible theme song.

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