Girl Swag - Madison Bray

This has to be one of the more painful earbleeds I've come across in good while. The level awkwardness tweens bring to the table is staggering. I bring this video to everyone's attention with the hope we can all agree to put the word "swag" to bed. Hopefully we can all agree it's a terrible word no one should ever use again: much like words like ginormous and chillax.

3 Second Rule - Lisa Gail Allred

If I wasn't an experienced disk jockey of shit I would have found it hard to make it all the way through. Talk about ending a song on a sour note! This video doesn't only contain a woman's terrible singing voice, pathetic Paris Hiltonesque mannerisms, douchie acting, chilling electronically adjusted backup vocals and what has to be the worst line dancing I've ever seen, this video also includes the embodiment of sad. We're looking at a women who never become what she wish to be and we're viewing a women in the starts of an emotional deconstruction. In other words, a women in the grips of a specifically nasty mid-life crisis.

Guys also go through mid-life crises but all they do is buy sports cars, get hair plugs and/or penile implants, etc. Usually harmless stuff to inflate his dwindling ego. Given enough time he'll come to terms with his age and come to peace with the whole concept of his mortality. At the very worst, he would leave his wife for a 20-something.

If he's married to a makeup-covered, chronic plastic surgery patient, train wreck with a catcher's mitt face who believes she's a country-western star and polluting the Internet with her mess, one can't blame the man for seeking a breath of fresh air in a size 3.

It's pretty obvious what happen here. We have a mother who's children recently graduated school and left home. She's become bored with her added free time. Most women take up hobbies like quilting and do workshops to learn how to do things they never thought about doing before. That's what my mom did. My mom is half way normal. 

Oriental WTF

I don't know what's the funniest thing about this video. It has everything. Is it the nasal, mind-numbingly repetitive singing, low production quality, crazy, almost neurotic dancing, lip syncing that's not even close, terrible acting between apathetic facial impressions?

Nice Peace

They really do things differently over there in Japan. In this country an elderly bald man wearing a school girl uniform would be seen as odd and many parents wouldn't be so comfortable allowing him to make a video with their children. He really got a peculiar Sound of Music thing going on there: "The hills are alive by the sound of earbleeds!"

Hot Problems - Double Take

Thanks to my friend Scott for sharing this mess with me.

Teenage girls are so befuddling. I suspect my interactions with them while in high school is the explanation why by the time I reached college my focus was diverted towards international women. Aah, foreign women: no matter if they're from the West Indies, Asia, Europe or wherever else, their flavor can spice up anyone's living experience. But I digress.

Florence Jenkins Singing the Queen of the Night Aria From Magic Flute

There are a lot of horrible singers throughout history. We only hear of the great singers and musicians through time. Like I discovered with Madame St-Onge, I greatly enjoy finding music that's been bleeding everyone's ears long before I was alive. Florence Jenkins, much like most people these days, became famous with the aid of her father's money. People had better sense back then. He refused to fund her futile musical career; she had to wait till he died and acquired her inheritance. It's pretty funny really. If her father did support her dreams in becoming an opera singer, he would have paid for her to get classical training in Europe. Here's the amusing part for me, she obviously would have never become a good opera singer, but she wouldn't have sucked as badly. She would have faded in with all the other rich girls turn lack luster opera singers that existed back then and we never would have heard of her.

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